Hello, my fellow Americans. I’m Joe Biden. Remember me? You may have heard of me from time to time over the past months – especially after my opponents in the Democratic primaries were all bullied into dropping out of the race to ensure I’d be the nominee. That made the process a lot simpler, don’t you think? We all like simple things. I know I do.
Well, today I’m happy to announce that, based on poll results, I expect very soon to be elected to the United States Senate. What’s that? Oh – I meant to say, to the presidency of Delaware. No, no, of the country. Yes, the whole country, the United States! That’s what I said the first time, isn’t it?
I’m sure you know that this victory comes after a hard-fought presidential campaign. And I want to personally thank each and every one of you who chipped in something to the fund to help keep me here in my basement, talking to you by long-distance video with this mask over my face even while nobody else is around – just to show you how much I care.